Epiphanies

A few nights ago, I stayed up way too late after spending almost every hour of the day studying for finals. I was coming down with yet another cold (probably the seventh or eighth this semester), and as I tried to fall asleep, I ran into the unusual circumstance of not being able to fall asleep, and then I ran into the even more unusual circumstance of incessant worst-case scenario worrying.

As I lay in bed, I actually started worrying about the number of colds I've had this semester. And then I thought back to my iron blood test that got botched this past summer (aka: they did the test without measuring for iron...derp) that I never went in to get re-done after they mentioned my red blood cell count was low (an indicator for low iron (among other things)). Clearly I have cancer, I thought.

Soon WebMD was up on my phone and then the Mayo Clinic website and then a bunch of other health websites too.

15 Signs of Cancer Women Ignore

Could It Be More Than A Cold?

None of my symptoms matched, but that doesn't not mean I'm dying, I thought (even if sometimes I exercise too much or eat too much sugar or don't drink enough water or drink too much alcohol or share too many foods/drinks with others or don't get enough sleep or stress out too much). 11:30 turned into midnight and midnight turned into 1:30, and 1:30 turned into I may never live to be married or have kids and that turned into I literally don't have a future because I'll probably be dead in a year or two.

I finally fell asleep at two.

I woke up the next morning at seven for an exam and felt quite a bit sicker than I did the night before, but my head actually felt cleared and I had the answers I was looking for for the longest while. Low and behold, I do have a future. Lately it hasn't seemed like that as I plan leave Cornell after graduation only to move back home after looking for a job for the past three months. It is really hard to not feel like I've failed, but I'm 22 years old and I still have time. I still have a future.

The best is yet to come and perhaps it's okay that I don't really know what that is yet.

(Image via here)